I’m coming back. I’ve done everything I needed to do. I dreamed so much about being able to tell you everything I’ve been through, but it’s okay—you chose no contact, and I respect that. It’s what’s best for you.
I’m still suffering from losing you. I’m fighting so many battles within myself. I’m still trying to forgive myself for all the mistakes I made, especially with you. You were my life.
No one will ever make me as happy as you did. No one.
I had written a different version of this message, but I was angry, and I let my anger overshadow the love. Being mad doesn’t help. I’m not going to do what everyone else does—choose anger just to make it easier to forget or move on.
Sometimes I get stuck in my head, lost in memories of you, of us. Sometimes I wish I had done everything differently. I don’t know why I messed up the way I did. I’m so angry at myself for losing you like this—because I couldn’t stop, because you were the one who was always there for me. Of course, with time, you got tired and chose yourself, and that’s okay. But I will always be grateful for all the moments of love you gave me, for all the times you held me, for the hours we spent lying in bed, talking and holding each other. I’m so sorry for being such an idiot. I’ll never forget you, D. You’re still in my heart and my memories. No one will ever replace you. I don’t even think I’ll be able to love someone the way I loved you. Never. You’ll always be that person I’ll think about when I’m old, wondering what could’ve happened if I hadn’t been so wrong.
I’ve tried to figure out if it’s just the memories I miss, but it’s not. It’s you. I miss you in every aspect of my life.
I know deep down, you probably hate me, even if you say you don’t. And it’s okay. I hate myself too.
I know you don’t care about our past anymore. You’ve probably deleted or hidden every memory. You don’t check anything about us anymore, not even this blog. And that’s fine. This is just me expressing my feelings.
I’ll love you until my last breath, D.
I hope you’re doing well.
Ps: You're always with me, I have something for remember us in my backpack every day, everywhere I go.
with love,
F
Published on 09/10/2024