I know, I know, Puppy.
I'm a mess, I'm a complete mess.
I don't know why I can't focus and move forward. I used to like that you thought I was that strong person who could always push through, but I think I stopped believing in myself one day. My dreams of my projects, my things, started to blur, and I can't find a direction. And it's not you; you're perfect. You give me the hope I need, which is why when we argue and you leave, I feel alone, sad, depressed.
At some point, I have an emotional attachment, which is why I blame you, but it's my problem. I know you think that sending me to a psychiatrist or therapist will solve me, but it won't. I have been able to improve by going, yes. But I need the strength to keep moving forward, and lately, I'm lost, aimless because I can't see how I can make anyone happy, I can't see anyone trusting me. I know I broke your trust many times, messed up in many ways.
But after all that, I always tried to show you the good person I know I am and want to be. I think often feeling that you only focus on the bad I can be hurts me and makes me, without thinking, show that ugly part I have. I never want to hurt you, never want to say hurtful things like I did. Never. Afterward, I feel deep shame and a deep desire to be underground.
You are the person I met, who drove me crazy, with whom I shared the best moments a human being can have. That's why I don't want to let you go, that's why I don't want us to be two simple strangers who only crossed paths in this life for a while. I don't want that; for me, you are my family, that's why I carry you in my skin every day. Because you are more than anything I could have ever known.
I always hated people, and from the moment I met you, I wanted to be with you 24/7, giving you love, hugging you, and kissing you. You have always been the most beautiful woman to me. I know I messed up several times, maybe because I'm not used to the bad part of me that made me do things that would make you not trust me today.
I apologize for that; I've been working on it for months, and even if you think sometimes I don't, I still think every day about what I can do to be a better person, for you, for myself.
There are many things I haven't told you, secrets I keep to myself because my past terrifies me, because my past hurts me, and because I messed up as always in my life. I think I have too much bad luck because I never wanted to be a bad person, but my shitty attitude, my anger, always led me to isolate myself and treat the ones I love badly, and one day, those people who were always there get tired and drift away. And I don't blame you for starting to do the same, because I know you sometimes prefer to be away from me, because you think I'm dangerous, because you think I would hurt you, or simply because you've stopped feeling like you'd love to be with me every day. And I don't blame you, love, I would never blame you for that. It just makes me very angry to have caused that.
I would like to be able to tell you everything that's happening because I hate that you leave like this and grab your things in a simple argument because I tell you I feel abandoned and feel like you ignore that feeling and leave, and then everything explodes for me because that's how damn I work, because I'm an idiot.
I don't want to elaborate much here because it's something private that I would only want to share with you.
But many things happened to me when I was a child.
I don't have one father; I have two. One abandoned me, the other adopted me when he met my mother. My mother always fought for me to be well, and she pays the consequences every day of choosing such a person for me to have everything, even if things still happen.
That's why abandonment kills me, it hurts me, and I react the way I do.
I love you forever.
Published on 05/02/2024